Ordering Food

There are many strategies that someone can use to order food if they don't read or speak Chinese. Here are my favorites:

Point at it. Whether it's on a picture menu, on a steam table, swimming around in live tanks, or on somebody else's plate at a table across the restaurant, pointing is an awesome way to get around the language barrier. I've seen people go into the kitchen of a restaurant so they can really know what their options are. There's also pointing at items on a non-picture menu, which is a strategy I cannot recommend.

Key words. Learn words like "beef" and "vegetables" and "stir-fry", etc. Say the words, and then cross your fingers. I've found that waitresses often don't believe you don't know what's on the menu, they just think you're being an ass. So don't rely on them to tell you what they like to eat. Here's the dialog:

服务员： What do you want?

me: What kind of beef is there?

服务员： There's miao miao miao beef, miao miao miao beef, and miao miao miao beef with miao miao.

me: what was the first one?

服务员： Miao miao miao beef.

me: I want that. What kind of green vegetables are there?

服务员： Miao miao or miao miao. Which do you want?

me: I don't know, which one do you like?

服务员： (awkward pause as she calls me an ass under her breath) I
don't know.

me: Just give me the first one. And a bottle of water.

服务员： You have tea. Also, you ordered soup.

me: Yes. Also, bring me a bottle of water. Soup, tea,
water. Yes. I want it, bring it.

The 服务员 then walks away thinking you're insane. (/scene)

The final strategy is the most difficult: learn to read Chinese. This is, of course, ridiculous, and you won't get any points for trying. At one restaurant, E said we needed to look at the menu, but the waitress told us to hurry. I told her, we read slowly, just come back. E said five minutes.

The waitress was completely baffled. She asked the owner to come to the table (her dad? an uncle?) and asked him what the hell we were trying to tell her. I think she actually asked him if we were even allowed to sit at the table if we hadn't ordered yet. He looked at her and said, they need five minutes to read the menu! She threw up her hands and walk away, totally baffled. We called her over when we were ready.

At the end of the meal, you ask for your bill, and she brings it. I wrote in a short essay that one of the differences between American and Chinese culture is that Americans don't ask for the bill unless a) we want to leave right away, or b) we want to make sure their friends don't pay. Otherwise, we don't have to ask for the check. The server brings it when s/he sees that we're done eating. I'm sure the teachers found that concept totally ridiculous and unlikely.

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What in the hell was watermelon wearing today? 噢我的天呢！